Conviction Over Rules - When Relationship With God Matters More Than Religion

Eileen Noyes, host of The Unsidelined Life podcast and mother of eight children across two marriages, brings a perspective shaped by walking through religious legalism and emerging with clarity about what truly matters. Her journey includes building a 20,000 square foot home during her first marriage with strict rules about alcohol, tattoos, and other "bad" things, only to watch those rigid structures collapse when her marriage fell apart due to cult-like religious teachings. She's navigated explaining to confused children why their father now has alcohol in the house after years of it being forbidden, remarried a man who occasionally drinks wine, and wrestled with her own questions about topics like yoga that Christians debate endlessly. Eileen doesn't claim to be a theologian or biblical scholar. She's a woman who loves God, seeks His truth, and desires to live out her purpose while learning that relationship trumps rules every single time.

In this episode addressing Proverbs 31:4 about kings not guzzling wine or craving alcohol, Eileen uses the verse as a launching point for something deeper. Not a conversation about whether Christians can drink, but about the fundamental difference between religious rules and Spirit-led conviction. About teaching children to seek God for themselves instead of following your rigid standards. About understanding that gray areas exist in Scripture and forcing black-and-white interpretations damages both relationships with God and relationships with people. This isn't about lowering standards or embracing compromise. It's about recognizing that transformation happens through conviction born from relationship, not through outward performance forced by rules.

The Story That Started Everything  

Eileen sets the stage with a story from her first marriage. Five kids in, they'd just finished building their massive 20,000 square foot home with three guest suites, a pool, and a gym. Their heart was using the property for God's glory, hosting events and gatherings. Her husband made one request: absolutely no alcohol on the premises. Ever. Being laid back by nature, Eileen agreed without much thought. It wasn't a topic that mattered much to her. She didn't have issues with alcohol, didn't know people who struggled with it in her immediate circle, and her young kids weren't at ages where the conversation was relevant.

The rigidity of that rule didn't hit her until they started hosting events. School functions. Weddings. People would ask about having champagne for toasts or wine for dinner, and the answer was always an adamant no. Eileen started thinking it seemed rigid, but they stuck to it. What she didn't realize at the time was what that rule was communicating to her children. Without explicit teaching, the message became: alcohol is bad. Same with tattoos. Same with pork. The approach to parenting in that season emphasized rules and rigidity, creating what she now recognizes as life commandments in her children's minds.

Life commandments are conclusions children reach based on what they observe and experience, whether those conclusions are explicitly taught. When certain things are forbidden without explanation or nuance, children create black-and-white categories: good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. The problem comes when those rigid structures face reality. When Eileen's marriage fell apart and her kids visited their father, they found alcohol bottles and cans in the trash. The life commandment collided with reality, leaving them confused and hurt. If alcohol was bad, what did it mean that their father now had it? The rigid rule created no framework for nuance, no space for conversation, and no room for understanding conviction versus sin.

The Restaurant Conversation  

Fast forward to Eileen being remarried to Michael. They're out eating as a family when Michael orders wine or beer. One of her sons, about eight years old, was clearly wrestling with what he was seeing. Eileen could see it on his face. The internal conflict. The confusion. She recognized immediately that this required a conversation, but the question was how to approach it. She pulled him aside for a one-on-one talk, the way she tries to handle sensitive topics with her kids.

She started by acknowledging what he was feeling and then introduced a concept he needed to understand: not everything in the Bible is black and white. There are clear commands where God says no across the board. But there are also areas where Scripture doesn't give absolute prohibitions, creating space for personal conviction based on relationship with God. Alcohol is one of those areas. The Bible doesn't say don't drink alcohol. It says don't be drunk. Leaders shouldn't crave it or be drunk on wine. Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding. There's nuance.

To help him understand, Eileen used two families they knew well. Both families loved Jesus. Both were raising their kids in Godly ways. But they had completely different convictions about alcohol. The first family had a history of alcoholism. When they came to Christ, they drew a hard line: no alcohol in the house. They wanted to protect their kids from generational patterns and past struggles. That was their conviction, and it was the right choice for them. The second family enjoyed wine with dinner occasionally. They weren't getting drunk. They didn't struggle with it. That was fine for them in their relationship with God.

Eileen walked her son through a scenario. If she brought a bottle of wine to the first family at Christmas, they'd be offended. It would violate their conviction and disrespect their boundaries. But if she brought that same bottle to the second family, they'd be grateful and appreciate the gift. Same wine, opposite reactions, both families loving Jesus. The difference? Personal conviction based on relationship with God.

Extending the Principle Beyond Alcohol  

To make sure her son grasped the principle, Eileen extended it beyond alcohol. She referenced the same family that didn't want alcohol but compared them to another family with different convictions. These friends were extremely organic, holistic, and anti-sugar. If Eileen bought a Walmart cake and brought it to the first family, they'd appreciate the gesture and thank her. But if she brought that same cake to the holistic family, they'd be offended. That's their conviction. For them, processed sugar and non-organic ingredients are essentially sin.

The point landed. Conviction isn't universal in gray areas. Your relationship with God dictates your convictions. What's a boundary for one person might be freedom for another. What's a conviction born from past struggle for one family might be unnecessary restriction for another. And critically, we cannot force our convictions on other people. Doing so creates legalism, damages relationships, and puts us in the position of trying to play Holy Spirit in someone else's life.

The Controversial Example: Yoga  

Eileen admits this next topic might be controversial, but she shares it because it illustrates the principle perfectly. Yoga. She'd never done it but heard things about its connections to Eastern spirituality and New Age practices. She knew she needed to stretch, especially after hip surgery left her body compensated and out of alignment. But the Christian world's warnings about yoga made her hesitant.

Then she had a dear friend who loves Jesus, raises her kids in Godly ways, and was featured on Eileen's podcast. This friend runs a yoga studio. Knowing her friend's genuine faith and hearing her testimony made Eileen pause. If this woman loves God and He's using her ministry, maybe this deserves investigation rather than blanket rejection. She went to a class at her friend's studio with an open mind and a praying heart, asking God for wisdom and protection.

What she found wasn't what religion warned about. Worship music played. They opened in prayer. The instructor wove Scripture throughout the session, applying biblical truth to life. Eileen didn't empty her mind like traditional yoga instructs. She filled her mind with God's Word, praising Him while her body moved through stretches. She recognized that many of the positions had names but were identical to stretches she'd done playing volleyball or at the gym. They just didn't call it "downward dog" in those contexts.

Multiple times during that class, Eileen found herself in tears. Not because something demonic was happening, but because she was fully engaged with the Lord. Her normally multitasking mind was focused entirely on Him. She surrendered, bowed down, and praised God while her body experienced healing it desperately needed. Her conviction? This was okay for her in her relationship with God. She'd sought wisdom, tested it against Scripture, invited God's presence, and experienced His peace. For someone else with different history or different leading from the Holy Spirit, the conviction might be different. And that's okay.

Relationship Dictates Conviction  

This brings Eileen to the core principle that shapes the entire episode. Your relationship with God dictates your convictions. Not someone else's rules. Not religious traditions. Not what the church culture says you should or shouldn't do. In Scripture, Paul addresses this directly. He talks about people who consider one day more sacred than another and people who eat certain foods while others abstain. His instruction? Don't judge each other over these differences. If someone is convicted about something, that's between them and God. If someone has freedom in an area, that's also between them and God.

First Corinthians 10:23 says all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. Under grace, there are no rules. We're free to do anything we please. But not everything promotes growth. Not everything causes spiritual advancement. So the question isn't "What are the rules?" The question is "What is beneficial for me in my relationship with God? What promotes growth? What aligns with how He's leading me?"

This requires active relationship with God. Seeking Him. Asking for wisdom. Wrestling with questions. Reading Scripture in context. Being open to His conviction even when it's uncomfortable. Eileen shares that when she first gave her life to Christ, she saw "no fornication" and struggled. She had a hard time with that command. But over time, through relationship with God, conviction came. Not because someone beat her over the head with rules, but because God stirred her heart and she chose to align with His design.

The Danger of Forcing Conviction  

One of the most important applications Eileen makes is about parenting and relationships. We cannot force our convictions on other people. Parents can teach their kids. They can give them Scripture. They can share their experiences and offer wisdom. But until conviction becomes internal, until it's born from the child's own relationship with God, it's just outward performance. And outward performance doesn't stick.

When parents create rigid rules without room for conversation or explanation, they risk creating either rebellion or religious performance. Neither leads to genuine transformation. The same principle applies to marriages. Wives can see things in their husbands that need addressing. They can speak truth. But nagging doesn't produce conviction. Prayer does. Asking God to change hearts and open eyes creates lasting change that rules and nagging never accomplish.

Eileen emphasizes that trying to play Holy Spirit in someone else's life damages relationships. The spirit of legalism and the spirit of religion hinder relationships with God and with people. When we're so rigid that we can't have conversations, when we declare our way is the only way, when we force our convictions on others, we create walls instead of bridges. Social media is full of Christians fighting about secondary issues, declaring absolute positions on gray areas, and destroying unity over differences in conviction.

Grace and Consequences  

This doesn't mean there are no standards or that everything is relative. Eileen is clear about that. There are absolute commands in Scripture. Don't seek fortune tellers or mediums. Those are clear prohibitions. But in gray areas where Scripture doesn't give explicit prohibition, there's room for conviction based on relationship with God. And critically, there's grace when we get it wrong.

If someone does something the Bible warns against, whether from their own conviction or ignorance, there may be consequences. Natural consequences flow from choices. But consequences don't eliminate God's love. That's essential to understand. When we sin or make poor choices, we might suffer results. But God's love remains. His grace covers. He uses even our mistakes to teach and transform us. As parents, the same should be true. If our kids make choices we warned against, we can maintain love while allowing consequences to teach.

The goal isn't permissiveness. It's recognizing that transformation happens through conviction, not coercion. God desires the heart. He wants genuine relationship, not religious performance. When conviction comes from within, born from seeking God and hearing His voice, it produces lasting change. When conviction is forced from without through rules and rigidity, it produces either rebellion or fake compliance.

Reflect and Adjust  

Eileen closes by challenging listeners to reflect on where they might be rigid. Where are you trying to force your convictions on others? As a parent, are you creating rules without explanation, communicating black-and-white categories that don't account for nuance? In relationships, are you judging people for having different convictions in gray areas? Are you putting religious standards on others that Scripture doesn't actually mandate?

This reflection matters because legalism damages relationships. It hinders people from genuine relationship with God. It creates division in the body of Christ over secondary issues. When we understand that relationship with God dictates conviction, we can hold our own convictions firmly while extending grace to those who are different.

The key points to remember:

1. Your relationship with God dictates your convictions

2. Gray areas exist in Scripture where conviction varies

3. We cannot force our convictions on others

4. Trying to play Holy Spirit damages relationships

5. Conviction must become internal to produce lasting change

6. Grace covers when we get it wrong

Next week, Eileen will continue with Proverbs 31:4, looking at the same verse from a different angle. But for now, sit with these questions. Reflect on your own rigidity. Consider where religious rules might be replacing relationships. And ask God to show you how to lead your family, engage your relationships, and walk with Him based on genuine conviction rather than forced compliance.

Listen to this episode and examine relationship versus rules on The Unsidelined Life podcast.