Dr. Dequies Lanier is an accomplished academic and thought leader who has dedicated over ten years to serving the Georgia region through strategic planning, research, and creating marketing plans for higher education. With a career spanning enrollment management, corporate partnerships, and teaching, Dr. Lanier has built a reputation for leadership development and community connection. However, her professional achievements only tell part of her story. Beyond her academic credentials lies a deeply personal journey of healing and transformation that has shaped her mission to empower women through her platform, We Suite.

In a recent episode of The Unsidelined Life podcast, host Eileen Noyes welcomed Dr. Lanier to discuss her personal healing journey and how God revealed her true calling through unexpected challenges. The conversation explores how Dr. Lanier's attempts to control her environment actually masked deeper emotional wounds that needed addressing, particularly in the areas of love and relationships.

What makes this discussion particularly enthralling is the way Dr. Lanier's professional expertise in human development intersects with her own vulnerability, creating a roadmap for others seeking authentic healing. This blog post delves into the key insights from their conversation, examining how life's challenges can become catalysts for self-discovery and how our deepest wounds often form the foundation of our purpose.

The Illusion of Control

Dr. Lanier's healing journey began with a realization that many of us face but few acknowledge: her need for control was actually masking deeper emotional wounds. She found herself meticulously planning and organizing every aspect of her life, believing this would protect her from pain. This tendency wasn't immediately obvious to her as problematic—after all, being organized and detail-oriented had served her well professionally. However, she gradually came to understand that this behavior stemmed from fear rather than healthy motivation.

The turning point came when Dr. Lanier experienced a series of life challenges, including a diagnosis of OCD, surgery for fibroids, and emotional struggles that intensified around 2023. These experiences forced her to confront the reality that she couldn't control everything. As she described it, being physically unable to clean or organize her home during recovery from surgery became a powerful metaphor for her emotional journey. She had to sit with her feelings and acknowledge that her attempts to control her environment were actually a response to past relational trauma.

What makes Dr. Lanier's story so relatable is her honesty about how this pattern developed. Following painful romantic relationships, she had isolated herself for nearly a decade, focusing on her education and career instead. She thought she was healing, but in reality, she was simply avoiding situations that might trigger her pain. This avoidance, disguised as ambition and success, was actually preventing her from addressing the root causes of her suffering. Her story reminds us that sometimes what we consider strengths—planning, organization, focus on achievement—can actually be sophisticated coping mechanisms for deeper wounds.

Isolation vs. True Healing

One of the most significant insights from Dr. Lanier's journey is the distinction between isolation and true healing. For nearly ten years, she removed herself from romantic relationships, believing that this separation was part of her healing process. During this time, she poured herself into her education, career, and eventually the WeSweet podcast. From the outside, it appeared she was thriving and moving forward with her life. However, as Dr. Lanier now recognizes, she wasn't actually healing—she was hiding.

True healing, Dr. Lanier discovered, doesn't happen in isolation. It occurs when we're willing to engage with others and work through our pain rather than avoid it. This realization came gradually as she began interviewing women for her podcast. Initially, she kept conversations focused on topics that felt safe, avoiding discussions about love and relationships—the areas where her own pain was deepest. Yet as her platform grew, connecting her with women across the world, she felt God pushing her toward greater vulnerability. The very purpose of her platform—to empower women—required her to address the areas she had been avoiding.

The turning point in Dr. Lanier's approach to her podcast came after her surgery in 2024, which forced her to literally sit still and reflect. During this period of physical recovery, she experienced emotional awakening, recognizing that she couldn't genuinely help others heal if she wasn't willing to be vulnerable about her own struggles. This led to a profound shift in her content, from focusing primarily on career development and general empowerment to addressing emotional wounds, particularly those related to love and relationships. Her story demonstrates that authentic healing requires community and vulnerability—a willingness to engage with others rather than retreat from potential pain.

Recognizing God's Voice Amid the Noise

A crucial aspect of Dr. Lanier's healing journey involves learning to distinguish between God's voice and destructive thoughts. During periods of emotional vulnerability, she found herself bombarded with negative messages that echoed her past traumas: "You're destined for pain," "You haven't learned your lesson," "You don't know how to recognize red flags." These thoughts would intensify during difficult moments, creating a spiral of fear and self-doubt that threatened to derail her progress.

Dr. Lanier developed practical strategies for combating these destructive thoughts. When she recognized negative patterns beginning to take hold, she would immediately seek to fill her mind with truth. This might involve listening to sermons, reading scripture, or engaging in conversations that uplifted rather than depleted her spirit. She became intentional about what she consumed, even turning off television shows that triggered painful memories or unhealthy thought patterns. This practice wasn't about denial but about actively choosing to plant seeds of truth rather than allowing weeds of doubt to take root.

What makes Dr. Lanier's approach powerful is her recognition that this is an ongoing process, not a one-time fix. She describes how she had to create consistent practices—listening to sermons every morning and evening during particularly challenging periods—to train her mind to recognize God's voice of hope rather than the enemy's voice of fear. Her experience teaches us that healing requires active participation and vigilance, particularly when it comes to our thought life. By intentionally recognizing destructive thought patterns and replacing them with truth, we create space for genuine healing to occur.

From Personal Healing to Purposeful Mission

Dr. Lanier's personal healing journey has profoundly shaped the evolution of her platform, We Suite (Women's Empowerment Suite). What began in 2022 as conversations with friends and family members has transformed into a global community where women can find authentic connection and healing. This transformation reflects Dr. Lanier's own growth—as she embraced greater vulnerability in her personal life, her professional platform naturally expanded to address deeper topics.

Initially reluctant to appear on camera or share personal details, Dr. Lanier found herself gradually pushed beyond her comfort zone. As her audience grew to include women across the United States and internationally, she recognized God's hand in expanding her reach. This expansion coincided with her own periods of struggle, including her OCD diagnosis and recovery from surgery. During these challenging times, her sisterhood of supporters encouraged her to continue recording despite her pain, sometimes literally "crying one minute and hitting record the next." These experiences taught her that authentic ministry often flows from our places of greatest weakness.

The most significant shift in Dr. Lanier's platform came when she finally addressed the topics she had been avoiding—love, relationships, and intimacy. When speaking with her therapist, she had identified these areas as what she "kept hidden," yet they were precisely the areas where her pain ran deepest and her potential impact was greatest. This realization led to a profound principle that now guides her work: our deepest wounds often become the foundation of our purpose. By embracing vulnerability around the very topics she had avoided, Dr. Lanier transformed WeSweet into a space where women could find genuine healing through authentic connection rather than isolation.

Practical Steps for Your Healing Journey

Dr. Lanier's experience offers valuable insights for anyone navigating their own healing process. Her journey demonstrates that authentic healing is possible, though it rarely follows the path we might expect. If you're ready to move beyond coping mechanisms and embrace true healing, consider these practical steps derived from Dr. Lanier's experience:

1. Recognize control mechanisms for what they are. Often what we consider strengths (planning, organization, independence) may actually be sophisticated ways we avoid pain. Ask yourself: Am I organizing my life out of healthy motivation or fear?
2. Distinguish between isolation and healing. Removing yourself from painful situations isn't the same as healing from them. True healing happens when we learn to engage with life without being destabilized by triggers.
3. Identify your "untouchable" topics. The areas you're most reluctant to discuss often indicate your deepest wounds and, potentially, your greatest purpose.
4. Develop practices for recognizing destructive thoughts. When negative thought patterns emerge:

○       Immediately cut off sources that trigger unhealthy thinking

○       Intentionally consume truth through sermons, scripture, or uplifting content

○       Surround yourself with people who speak life rather than reinforcing fears

○       Name the thoughts for what they are: not God's voice

5. Embrace the ongoing nature of healing. Healing isn't a destination but a journey that continues through different seasons of life, revealing new layers that need attention.

Implementing these steps requires courage and persistence, but the freedom they bring is worth the effort. As Dr. Lanier discovered, when we stop trying to control our healing process and surrender it to God, we often find that our greatest pain becomes the source of our most meaningful purpose.

Your Invitation to Authentic Healing

Dr. Dequies Lanier's journey from control to freedom offers hope for anyone struggling with unresolved pain. Her story reminds us that authentic healing isn't about perfection or having everything figured out—it's about willingness to engage with our pain rather than avoid it. It's about recognizing that our deepest wounds don't disqualify us from purpose; they often become the very foundation of it.

The path to healing isn't always straightforward. Like Dr. Lanier, you may find yourself cycling through periods of growth and struggle, courage and fear. This doesn't mean you're failing at healing—it means you're human. What matters isn't that you never stumble but that you continue moving forward, allowing God to guide your steps and reveal His purpose even through your pain.

If Dr. Lanier's story resonates with you, consider how you might take your next step toward authentic healing. Perhaps it's acknowledging a control mechanism you've been using to avoid pain. Maybe it's reaching out to create or deepen community rather than retreating into isolation. Or it could be developing practices to distinguish between destructive thoughts and God's voice of truth and hope. Whatever that step looks like for you, know that you don't have to take it alone.

As you consider your own healing journey, remember Dr. Lanier's powerful realization: "Your emotional security shouldn't rest with people but with God." When we anchor our security in God rather than people or circumstances, we develop the emotional stability to navigate life's challenges without being destabilized by them. This doesn't mean we never feel pain—it means we're no longer controlled by it.

The invitation is clear: Step out of isolation and into authentic community. Move beyond coping mechanisms to true healing. Allow your deepest wounds to become the foundation of your greatest purpose. Your healing journey starts today.

Feeling like life is passing you by? In her book Rise Up Lady Bellator, Eileen helps women break free from the shadows and embrace their God-given calling. Get your copy today at ladybellator.com/books