The Four Boundaries You Should Set

Parenting advice typically focuses on what you should do and say, but sometimes the most important guidance involves what NOT to do. Certain statements and patterns, even when they seem harmless or justified, can plant seeds in your children's hearts that grow into identity issues, relationship problems, and emotional wounds that last decades.

Meet Eileen Noyes, host of The Unsidelined Life podcast and mother of eight who learned these principles the hard way through divorce, single parenting, and blending families. Drawing from seven years facilitating Life Skills International and her own journey of helping children navigate their father's abandonment, Eileen identifies four critical boundaries every parent needs to maintain.

These aren't just suggestions for ideal circumstances - they're non-negotiables that apply whether you're married or divorced, whether your children are toddlers or adults, and whether your family is thriving or struggling. Understanding what NOT to say is just as important as knowing what TO say, because words have the power to build up or tear down the very people you love most.

The stakes are high because children absorb messages at a subconscious level, and negative patterns become life commandments that shape their identities, relationships, and futures in ways parents never intended.

Boundary 1: Never Bash Their Father  

This principle applies whether you're happily married, struggling in your relationship, or divorced. Your children's relationship with their father is separate from your relationship with him, and they need to develop their own understanding of who he is without your narrative coloring their perception.

Eileen admits this is one of the hardest boundaries to maintain, especially when you've been deeply hurt or when you're trying to explain difficult situations to confused children. The temptation to vent frustration, explain your side, or make sure they know the "truth" about what happened feels overwhelming at times.

However, keeping children out of adult conflicts protects them from carrying emotional burdens that aren't theirs. When parents bash each other, children feel torn between two people they love, and they often conclude they must choose sides or that loving one parent means betraying the other.

Eileen shares how God has shown her children the truth about their father's choices in His timing, without her needing to explain or defend herself. She honors her ex-husband in front of their children, even when it's difficult, because she understands that how she speaks about him impacts their sense of security and identity.

Practical Applications:

• Keep adult issues for adults, even when children ask questions

• Allow children to maintain positive memories without inserting your perspective

• Trust God to reveal the truth in His timing rather than forcing your narrative

• Honor your spouse in front of children even during marital struggles

• Find appropriate outlets (trusted friends, counselors, God) for your own pain

In blended family situations, this principle extends to how you speak about stepchildren's other parent as well. Creating an environment where all parents are honored (even imperfectly) gives children permission to love freely without guilt or divided loyalty.

Boundary 2: Never Speak Negativity Over Your Children  

This boundary goes beyond avoiding obvious insults to include seemingly factual observations that label children with negative identities. Statements like "you're so irresponsible," "you have such a bad attitude," or "you're the messy one" create life commandments that children internalize as truth about who they are.

Eileen explains a principle from Life Skills International: Every strength has a corresponding weakness, and every negative trait has a positive counterpart. The child you label "strong-willed" is also determined. The one you call "annoying" might actually be detailed and thorough. The "messy" child could be creative and able to see possibilities others miss.

Instead of speaking the obvious negative observation, parents need to identify and speak the positive trait. This doesn't mean ignoring problem behaviors - it means addressing behaviors while protecting identity. Say "that choice was irresponsible" rather than "you're irresponsible."

Eileen shares her practice of speaking life over her children even when they display bad attitudes. Instead of calling out the negativity, she prays aloud thanking God that they're respectful, honoring, and responsible - speaking the opposite of what she's currently seeing. This isn't denial but spiritual warfare, using words to combat negative patterns rather than reinforcing them.

Speaking Life Includes:

• Finding the positive trait in every negative characteristic

• Addressing specific behaviors without attacking character

• Praying aloud over children, declaring God's truth about their identity

• Being slow to speak, giving yourself time to reframe before responding

• Edifying - speaking only what builds up rather than tears down

This principle extends to how you speak about your children when they're not present. Children overhear conversations and internalize how parents describe them to others. Make sure you're building them up in public and private.

Boundary 3: Never Place Emotional Burdens They Aren't Meant to Carry  

This boundary addresses one of the most common and damaging patterns in struggling marriages and single-parent homes: seeking emotional connection from your children when it's missing from your spouse. Women naturally crave emotional bonding, and when husbands don't provide it, mothers often unconsciously turn to their children - typically the oldest or most sensitive child.

Eileen explains the healthy design: women desire emotional bonding and men desire physical intimacy, creating a natural pull toward each other that completes both partners. When this breaks down and women seek emotional fulfillment from their sons, it creates unhealthy mother-son bonds that prevent those sons from properly leaving and cleaving to future wives.

She references the classic movie dynamic where an adult son still lives with his mother and she guilts' him for wanting to date someone, saying "but that's our bingo night!" This comedic example represents a real pattern where mothers and sons become each other's primary emotional support in ways that stunt the son's development and create friction in his future marriage.

Eileen vulnerably shares how she could have fallen into this pattern during her three-year struggle before divorce, when her oldest son was naturally trying to fill his father's role. She knew enough to avoid confiding in him about adult issues or leaning on him for emotional support that should have come from her husband or other adults.

Warning Signs of Unhealthy Emotional Bonding:

• Sharing adult relationship problems with your child

• Looking to your child for comfort when you're upset about your spouse

• Feeling jealous or threatened when your child develops romantic relationships

• Making your child feel guilty for spending time away from you

• Relying on your child to meet emotional needs your spouse should meet

The solution involves finding appropriate adult support systems - trusted friends, counselors, mentors, or support groups - while maintaining appropriate parent-child boundaries that allow children to be children rather than surrogate spouses.

Boundary 4: Never Compare Your Children  

Labels and comparisons feel harmless when they're positive, but they create hierarchies that damage all children involved. The "smart one," the "athletic one," the "musical one" - these labels might seem like celebrations of individual gifts, but they imply that children have value based on their performance in specific areas.

Eileen shares her own experience being known as "the volleyball player" in her family. Even decades after she stopped playing, her father would brag about her athletic achievements, making her wonder "Is that all I am? Is there more to me than just that?" Meanwhile, her brothers likely wondered where they fit and whether their accomplishments mattered as much.

The danger of comparison extends beyond sibling rivalry. When children internalize that their worth comes from excelling in specific areas, they either become trapped trying to maintain that identity or they rebel against the pressure by refusing to try. Both responses prevent healthy development of their true, multifaceted identities.

Performance-based love is particularly common in achievement-oriented families. Parents naturally gravitate toward praising whatever is easiest to celebrate - sports accomplishments, academic achievements, career success. But this creates insecurity in children whose gifts are less visible or culturally valued.

Avoiding Comparison Means:

• Celebrating each child's unique design without ranking or hierarchy

• Refusing to say "why can't you be more like your sibling?"

• Avoiding labels that define children by single traits or achievements

• Recognizing that God's approval matters more than worldly success

• Preparing yourself emotionally for children's futures to look different than you imagined

Eileen tells her sons that she doesn't need them to buy her houses or make NFL salaries to prove their success. She wants them to understand that godly character and faithfulness to their calling matter far more than the world's applause. This mindset protects them from both the pressure to perform and the shame of falling short of external expectations.

Transform Your Words Starting Today  

These four boundaries might seem restrictive at first, but they actually create freedom - freedom for your children to develop authentic identities, freedom from carrying burdens that don't belong to them, and freedom to be loved unconditionally rather than based on performance or comparison to others.

Start by identifying which boundary you struggle with most. Do you need to stop speaking about your spouse negatively? Do you need to reframe how you describe your children's challenging traits? Have you been leaning on your children for emotional support that should come from adults? Are you unconsciously comparing siblings or defining them by their achievements?

Ask Holy Spirit for wisdom about what to say and what not to say in specific situations. Before you speak, pause and consider whether your words will build up or tear down. When you fail (and you will), apologize and speak truth to counteract whatever damage was done. It's never too late to change patterns.

Most importantly, remember that your words have the power of life and death. Choose to speak life, even when it's difficult, even when circumstances justify negativity, and even when you're frustrated or hurt. Your children's futures depend partly on the words you speak over them today.

Ready to transform your words? Follow The Unsidelined Life podcast for practical wisdom that helps you parent with intention and speak life over your family.