What Do I Say to My Kids? Five Biblical Parenting Principles That Prevent Regret

Every parent has that moment - when words come out of your mouth that you immediately wish you could take back. When anger, frustration, or pure exhaustion override wisdom and you respond to your child in a way that makes you cringe later. The question "Have you ever said anything to your kids that you regret?" hits close to home for every honest parent.

Meet Eileen Noyes, host of The Unsidelined Life podcast and mother of eight children ranging from age 7 to 22. After navigating single parenthood following her ex-husband's abandonment and near-involvement in a cult-like situation, Eileen learned that the key to avoiding parenting regret isn't perfection - it's learning to seek God's wisdom in the moment before speaking.

Her approach is rooted in Proverbs 31:2, which asks "What my son, what shall I advise you?" This question represents every parent's internal struggle of knowing what to say in challenging moments with their children. Instead of responding from emotion, hurt, or past experiences, Eileen has developed five principles that help her parent like God parents - with patience, wisdom, and unconditional love.

These principles have been tested through some of the most difficult circumstances imaginable, yet all eight of her children have maintained their faith and continue seeking God despite experiencing devastating family trauma during their formative years.

Principle 1: Be Slow to Speak, Slow to Anger, Quick to Listen  

The foundation of wise parenting begins with the biblical principle found in James: be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen. This principle alone can prevent the majority of parenting regrets because it creates space between trigger and response.

When children come to you with problems, complaints about siblings, or confessions about mistakes, the natural tendency is to react immediately. However, Eileen emphasizes the importance of gathering all information before responding. She references another proverb: "A person seems right in their argument until someone else comes and cross-examines them."

This means when one child reports that a sibling has done something wrong, wise parents don't immediately discipline the accused child. Instead, they say, "Present your case" to both children, gather witnesses if needed, and make informed decisions rather than emotional ones. This approach teaches children that you care about truth and fairness, not just quick resolution of conflicts.

The "quick to listen" component extends beyond listening to your children - it includes listening to God for wisdom about how to respond. In heated moments, taking time to pray silently "God, what do I say here?" can dramatically change the trajectory of difficult conversations.

Principle 2: Seek the Holy Spirit as Your Counselor  

One of the most practical aspects of Christian parenting is recognizing that the Holy Spirit serves as your counselor, providing supernatural insight into situations that natural wisdom cannot address. This isn't mystical or complicated - it's as simple as acknowledging that God understands your child's heart better than you do.

Eileen explains that the Holy Spirit gives parents insight beyond what they can observe externally. He helps discern when a child is struggling with something deeper than the surface behavior, when they need encouragement versus correction, and when situations require immediate attention versus patience.

The key to accessing this guidance is staying connected to God through regular Bible study and prayer. When you fill your mind with God's Word, the Holy Spirit can bring relevant scriptures to remembrance during parenting moments. If you only know basic biblical concepts, the Holy Spirit has less "ammunition" to work with when guiding your responses.

This principle also involves recognizing those moments when you sense something isn't right with your child, even when you can't put your finger on what's wrong. Those intuitive feelings often come from the Holy Spirit prompting you to pay attention, ask questions, or provide extra support during difficult seasons.

Principle 3: Parent Like God Parents You  

Most parents default to parenting the way they were raised, either copying their parents' methods or swinging to the opposite extreme. Both approaches can be problematic because they're based on human patterns rather than godly principles.

Eileen learned this lesson during her own journey of healing from legalistic, shame-based parenting patterns. As she developed a deeper relationship with God as her Heavenly Father, she began to understand how He parents His children - with love, patience, appropriate correction, and constant forgiveness.

God's parenting style includes both tenderness and firmness. He "opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble," showing different responses based on heart attitudes rather than just external behaviors. When children approach situations with humility and willingness to learn, they receive gentle guidance. When they exhibit pride or rebellion, they receive firmer correction.

Key Elements of God's Parenting Style:

• Correction wrapped in love rather than shame

• Speaking life and identity rather than condemnation

• Patience with the learning process rather than demanding perfection

• Restoration after conflict rather than lingering punishment

• Truth delivered with grace rather than harshness

This approach requires parents to stay close to God so they can reflect His heart toward their children rather than responding from their own wounds or frustrations.

Principle 4: Prioritize Relationship Over Rules  

Many parents focus so heavily on behavior modification that they forget the ultimate goal is relationship. Children who feel genuinely known, understood, and loved by their parents are far more likely to receive guidance and correction positively.

Eileen emphasizes the importance of age-appropriate transparency with her children. She shares stories from her own life - mistakes she made before knowing Christ, struggles she's faced, and lessons she's learned. This vulnerability creates safety for her children to be honest about their own struggles rather than hiding problems out of fear of judgment.

This principle becomes especially important during the teenage years when children naturally begin questioning authority and developing their own decision-making abilities. Instead of trying to control every choice, wise parents focus on maintaining open communication and providing guidance when asked.

Eileen shares an example of her college-aged son calling to ask about drinking at a party. Rather than immediately saying no, she asked questions that helped him think through the decision himself. By the end of their conversation, he had decided not to drink - not because mom forbade it, but because he had worked through the implications and made his own wise choice.

Principle 5: Address Behavior, Not Character  

One of the most damaging patterns in parenting is attacking a child's character rather than addressing specific behaviors. When parents say "you're a bad kid" instead of "that behavior was wrong," they create shame around identity rather than motivation to change actions.

Children who grow up hearing character attacks like "you're stupid," "you're a liar," or "you're lazy" will either internalize these labels as truth or spend enormous energy defending against them. Both responses prevent healthy growth and learning.

Instead, effective correction focuses on specific behaviors and their consequences. "When you lied about your homework, it broke trust between us" addresses the action and its impact. "You're a liar" attacks the child's fundamental identity and offers no hope for change.

This principle extends into how children learn to handle correction as adults. Those who learned that mistakes reflect character flaws will either avoid challenges to prevent failure or become defensive when receiving feedback. Children who learned that mistakes are learning opportunities become resilient problem-solvers who can receive correction without shame.

Transform Your Parenting Starting Today  

Implementing these five principles doesn't require perfection - it requires intentionality and willingness to seek God's wisdom in parenting moments. Start by identifying which principle feels most challenging for you and focus on growth in that area.

Remember that even with these principles, you'll still make mistakes as a parent. The difference is that when you do respond poorly, you'll have a framework for restoration. Model humility by apologizing when necessary, explain what you should have done differently, and pray together for God's help in handling similar situations better in the future.

Your children don't need perfect parents - they need parents who are growing in wisdom, seeking God's guidance, and committed to creating an environment where relationship thrives. When you consistently demonstrate that you're on their team while helping them navigate life's challenges, you create the foundation for lifelong connection and influence.

Most importantly, trust that God loves your children even more than you do. He wants to give you wisdom for every parenting situation you'll face. The question isn't whether you're capable of raising godly children - it's whether you're willing to seek His guidance and follow His example in loving them well.

Ready to transform your parenting approach? Follow The Unsidelined Life podcast for practical wisdom that helps you parent with intention, wisdom, and grace.